When Your Kinks Don’t Align

2 Responses

  1. Mr Seville says:

    Okay, first, I need one of those T-shirts!!!! Is there an affiliate way I can get one and support you, or should I just google it?

    Secondly, after listening to a ton of your podcasts recently and seeing that most of them were years ago, I was delighted to see that this one is one of the most recent, as it is extremely relevant to my relationship. I have a question, if I may ask one…

    Regarding monogamous/non-monogamous arrangements for one person’s needs, or desire to try something new: spanking and other less intimate (at least to me) fetishes, I can understand finding a local dungeon for, although it might be a lot harder during COVID. (That’s what she said!) …But, it left me wishing for more insight on the other category of things- stuff that your partner isn’t just uninterested in, but would actively feel very jealous of if you did with someone else. (BTW, I love woodworking and lathe work; just found your shop and I must own one of those gorgeous eucalyptus bowls!)

    Basically, I was talking about the more (to some, at least) intimate, “at the core of monogamy” types of things- that is, good ‘ol hardcore penetration. Long story short… I’ve spent 15 years of marriage realizing (before my wife ever did) that I was being trained as a submissive in our relationship. I didn’t mind at all, At work with a boss, and around the house with wifey, I like being told what to do. In fact, if left to my own devices I waste tons of time deciding what to do and how to do it. The Mrs. loves to-do lists, (and giving orders) so it works out great.

    However, in the bedroom specifically, I have long fantasized about being the dom, and I’ve told her so. Not gonna happen, apparently, for all 15 years, she wasn’t interested at all. Until recently.

    Now, out of nowhere, (I’m sure it came from watching 50 Shades on repeat a hundred times during COVID) ….she has contemplated that she might actually LIKE being a submissive, in the bedroom. But, here’s the kicker: despite knowing this has been something I’ve wanted the whole time, she’s decided that to her, I’m too much of a sub, plus, I’m also not Christian Grey billionaire, so I haven’t earned the right to be her dom yet, …and so, she apparently needs to go find someone else to dominate her in the bedroom.

    I can fantasize about it, but I know deep down that I’ll probably be utterly heartbroken if she makes me watch her “get pounded by another dude”, …and especially if she enjoys it, when I can count on one hand the number of times she’s enjoyed that with me after 15 years. (And, sadly, I can count on zero fingers the number of times I’ve made her cum that way.) Am I just a sad pathetic man with a bruised ego and jealousy+trust issues? Obviously, but I feel like after listening to all your podcasts, you understand the value of these emotions, as horribly cliché and pathetic as they are. See there I go again being a self-deprecating bottom…

    I know the obvious answer is, “just tell her how you feel, and if she really loves you, she’ll back down.” That’s what I’m going to, even though I know she’ll be fucking pissed, and I may still never get what I want, or at least it will be many more years before she’s healed from her own hurt feelings to even think about going there.

    Wish me luck…

    • Kayla Lords says:

      Those are one of the few shirts we DON’T have links for sadly. They were gifted to us by fellow kinksters!

      I don’t know that the “obvious” answer is tell her how you feel and expect her to back down, but the “obvious” answer to me is that a very serious conversation is needed between the two of you regardless of the outcome. Because ethical non-monogamy only works when both partners consent to it, and while jealousy/insecurity are part of it for many people, it’s not a decision one partner gets to make unilaterally for both of you. And also, there’s a big difference between the fantasy of being Dommed (or doing the Dom-ing) and the reality. So someone wanting/expecting their Dom to be super powerful/super rich/super whatever may be in for a bit of disappointment. So, definitely talk about it, but not just from the angle of “I don’t like this” but more deeply than that. From there you may both be in a better position to decide what you want to do — as individuals and a couple.

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