BDSM Basics: Kinky Scenes

by Kayla Lords · Published March 16, 2020 · Updated March 12, 2020

Kinky scenes mean something different to everyone. Sometimes they’re highly planned, very elaborate, need a bit of equipment, and play into a very specific fantasy. And some scenes are much more relaxed and more about a specific activity (or set of activities) rather than diving into a fantasy.

No matter what kind of kinky scene you plan, there are a few things to keep in mind as you go along.

Note: If you prefer to watch or listen rather than read, scroll down for the video version.

Kinky Scenes May Be Simple or Elaborate

Okay, I gave this one away at the very beginning. But let me be clear here — there’s no single type of kinky scene. There are only the scenes you’ve experienced and the scenes you haven’t yet, the scenes you want to try and the ones you don’t. So if you want to create a script, put out props, wear costumes, and use an accent, go for it. But if your idea of a scene is being bent over the bed while your partner spanks your ass with a paddle, that counts! (For the record, that “simple” scene is totally my jam.)

Kinky Scenes Last as Long as They Last

We get asked a lot how long a kinky scene “should” last. It depends. If you’re at home, take as long as you want. When you go to a BDSM dungeon, club, or party, there will likely be rules you need to follow. If you attend a party or go to a dungeon and no one tells you the time limits, always ask. In some spaces, they may allow more time as long as it’s not busy. And some scenes naturally end sooner than you anticipated. That’s okay. Don’t stick to an arbitrary time limit if it doesn’t work for you

Have a Broad Idea of What Your Scene Will Entail

In some cases, you need to know the details of a scene before you start — especially your kinky scene involves a lot of role play. But even if you’re keeping it low key with a few toys or some rope, both Dom and sub should have a basic idea of what to expect. Doms and tops, having an idea allows you to have your gear or toys at the ready so you’re not fumbling around for it mid-scene. Subs and bottoms, a bit of information allows you to give more informed consent and let your partner know if they need to modify play based on how you feel or any injuries.

Adjust Your Kinky Scene as Needed

Whether your scene is intricate or it’s really basic, be prepared to adjust to the reality in front of you. If you get too tied to the fantasy in your head, one or both of you could get hurt or have a bad experience. Sometimes kinky fuckery sounds good in theory but it’s impossible in practice. When we do a bondage scene, I may not be able to hold a position as long as we hoped. In impact play scenes, my emotional and mental state determine what kind of pain and sensation I can handle. Not every scene has to end when the plan goes awry. Sometimes you just need to adjust.

Constant communication and checking in are vital to any kinky scene. Asking questions and providing feedback allow you to adjust your play so that everyone has a good time.

Consent is Always Required

Many kinksters believe that if a submissive or bottom knows what to expect in a scene, the entire moment will be ruined. They won’t have the anticipation as part of the mind fuck. They may not have the reaction their Dom or top wants them to have. We fundamentally disagree with that. Nothing ruins a good scene quicker than a negative reaction, y’all. You can get consent without killing the mood or anticipation.

Example:

“I had an interrogation scene in mind. I’ll “torture” the information out of you with some of your favorite toys. Does that sound good? Do you feel up to that? ”

As a submissive, it’s my job to ask questions, bring up any concerns, and re-affirm any boundaries. I’ll probably ask if it’s impact play or something else. At this point in my kinky life, I’ll let John Brownstone know I can handle this kind of play versus that kind of play. I may even run down a list of kinks I think will be a part of it: erotic humiliation, impact play, bondage. That back and forth conversation gives me an idea of what kinds of activities will happen while still allowing for surprise and anticipation.

Don’t skip consent in favor of a “surprise.” The longer you scene together, the fewer conversations you may need — but a quick check-in should always be part of the planning process.