Financial Control In Our D/s Relationship LB013
Kayla Lords hosts this week’s episode and discusses the kind of financial control practiced in her D/s relationship with John Brownstone. The decision to give up or take financial control in any relationship isn’t an easy one and is unique to everyone. There is no one right decision to make or one right way to do it. This is simply a look at what financial control can look like.
In this episode:
- Kayla got her first allowance and squeed like the babygirl she is.
- After 18 months, this step in financial control was a good thing.
- John Brownstone has had financial control in their relationship from the beginning.
- Kayla still has access to their joint accounts and maintains her own separate accounts.
- John Brownstone pays the bills, makes the financial decisions (with her input), and controls the money.
- From a paranoia born from a bad marriage, Kayla was afraid to be a financial burden so never spent a penny without full permission.
- This self-imposed restriction lead to resentment, fear, and envy.
- The situation came to a head over Chinese food and cigars.
- The weekly allowance was born.
- The structure of an allowance gives Kayla a sense of freedom.
- Anyone considering financial control should proceed carefully and slowly. Communication and trust are absolute musts.
Listen on YouTube
You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 13. Today, let’s talk about money and financial control! Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes. Now, let’s get into the show.
The other day John Brownstone, you know, my illustrious Daddy who I love and adore, handed me a $20 and if I’d been wearing panties, they would have melted. It was my first official allowance in our relationship, and as silly as it sounded, I was in heaven.
This new venture into financial control within our relationship has been something I’ve considered and sought since we moved into together. It couldn’t have happened over a year ago – and maybe it shouldn’t have, either. But we’re in a different place now, and we’ve grown as a couple over the past 18 months. Handing over financial control to him is another step for us.
Let me back up and explain a few things. I can almost hear some people gasping and clutching their pearls over the idea of losing any financial control.
First of all, I have had and continue to have full access to our bank account. My name is on the account, and at any point, I can swipe the debit card, write a check, withdraw money, and transfer money.
At any point, I can and have and will access the account from my phone and take a look at what’s being spent where. That’s what lead us to the discussion that brought us to this point. More on that later.
I maintain two separate PayPal accounts and my original bank account from my single days. I also have my own credit card. Basically, if something happened tomorrow, I can get to my money and have a place to put it.
What I don’t have is final say so over most financial decisions.
Daddy pays the bills.
Daddy gives the okay if I can buy something that’s not in our budget. A budget I created and maintain – with his oversight and input.
Daddy tells me no when I want something that we can’t afford and yes when we can. All major financial decisions are his to make – although I definitely give my input. And thanks to my mad-discount-finding skills, I can usually find him the best deal for something.
Last night (before I recorded this episode) we started the discussion about replacing my laptop with a Chromebook. It’s not something we planned for this year but because it’s a business expense, it’s under consideration for immediate purchase. Typically, we pay cash when we can and only use the credit cards for emergencies or business expenses (to make them easier to track).
All of these things have been in place since we moved in. Before that, when we were doing the long distance thing, I maintained my own finances. When I was with my boyfriend who became my husband who became my ex-husband, from the time I was 21 until I was 32, I was in charge of the money. I made the major decisions (with input from him). I paid the bills. I earned the most money. I stressed the most about how we could afford things.
When Daddy made it clear he’d like to maintain control over the money in our relationship, I was willing. Nervous but willing. I already trusted him to take care of me and the boys and to be responsible with the money – he’d been in charge of bill paying and budgeting when he was married too and has much better credit than I do (clearly, he’s the better choice between us).
No, I was scared that my lack of income – it was very low in the beginning – would drive a wedge between us. It did in my marriage. Of course, my ex husband didn’t work at all and left all the child-rearing, house-cleaning, and food-cooking to me, too. You can see where that might have been a problem. I was terrified that I would cause financial stress for Daddy and it would tear us apart.
So, I never spent a dime (even gas for my car) out of our joint account without his permission first. I accounted for every single penny. I took on crap work just to bring my income level up. I scrimped, saved, and looked for deals – even in situations where you get what you pay for (cheap shoes, bad haircuts, and all).
The only times we’ve ever argued in nearly three years of knowing each other have been over money. And never because we’ve disagreed on how to spend it. Only because we’ve both been stressed out and I’m paranoid he’ll stop loving me because I’m a financial burden to him. Of course, then he gets mad at me for thinking that way, but those are my demons from my marriage, and they’re hard to get rid of.
Remember that argument I mentioned, the one that precipitated the new control in our money situation?
I’d asked if we could order Chinese one Friday night. The answer was no, we couldn’t afford it. Okay. I didn’t like it, but I accepted the answer. But something didn’t sit right. Daddy likes to go to a cigar shop on Fridays to hang out with friends and smoke cigars. I can’t think of a single time when he’s gone and not come home with more cigars.
On a whim, I checked the account. Sure enough, a purchase from the cigar shop.
Look, y’all, I don’t care that he buys cigars or smokes with his friends. I support him. I accept that he has control over the money and he can do what he wants. I also know he has a better handle on what we’ve paid and what we still need to pay than I do. I might have access to all of it, but I rarely use it.
What I did care about, and had for a while, that came to a head over the agony of not eating Lomein or dumplings, was that I didn’t feel comfortable spending the way he did. By my own actions over the past 18 months, I’d made it almost impossible for it to be okay to make a purchase without a big discussion first.
I couldn’t handle it anymore. I needed to have something to call my own. I needed to know I could buy little things for myself without feeling guilty or sending us into the poorhouse. I needed structure and guidance, though. The one thing I hate when it comes to money is the crease he gets in his forehead when he starts stressing over it. I will do anything to prevent that – even if it means literally scraping a few dollars here and there from some of my writing jobs to buy a coffee.
I don’t consider that living. I love my work, and I’m a responsible adult who wants to pay her bills. But damn it, I should also get to enjoy the fruits of my labor and sometimes a new shirt or a random paperback is what I need.
So, all of that built up resentment and fear and self-imposed restriction boiled over into babygirl tears and begging for guidance and direction.
A few days later, he handed me a crisp 20 dollar bill and said once a week, I would get at least that much. If our income consistently goes up, so does my allowance. I may or may not have squealed like the babygirl that I am.
It’s structure and limits. But it represents freedom. He doesn’t care what I do with that money. If I want to save for a couple of weeks and go get a mani/pedi, I can. I don’t have to justify it (not that he ever expected me to), ask for permission, or explain myself. I just do it. And the money is already out of the account so I don’t have to worry that we’re about to be broke because I went out to lunch for once.
No, this isn’t for everyone. And I wouldn’t recommend it for new relationships. This is another form of trust that he’s earned. He’s proven himself over time to be good with money, to know how to pay the bills and still make sure we have the extras. I can give him this control because he’s earned it. For me, it’s another way that he takes care of me as the Daddy Dom he is.
If you’re considering this in your relationship, proceed carefully and slowly. Don’t give up your access and freedom completely. You’re still a responsible adult who should know what’s going on. Something could happen tomorrow to your Dominant and you may need to take over. But if the trust and the proof that your Dominant can handle the responsibility is there, AND they want that kind of control, it may be worth a discussion.
Okay, y’all that’s it for me this week. There’s a rumor that next week a certain amazing, wonderful, money-giving Daddy will join me. Gawd, I hope so! Keep it kinky, y’all, and we’ll see you next week!