Communicating With Your Dominant – LB002

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The second episode of Loving BDSM focuses on communicating with your Dominant partner. Another week with host Kayla Lords, but John Brownstone promises to make an appearance soon.

From this episode…

• John Brownstone isn’t a figment of Kayla’s imagination. He must be real, he even has a website (http://southernsirsplace.com).
• Submissives often ask “how to talk to my Dominant” which is confusing. Don’t you already know how to talk to them? How else did you become their submissive?
• Signs of a bad relationship versus signs your fears are getting in the way of communicating.
• Real steps Kayla uses to discuss important topics with John Brownstone – from adding kinky fuckery to their relationship to a full renegotiation. You can use them, too!
• Keep communicating! Even the small conversations are important.

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Full Transcript:

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 2. Today we’re discussing communication as a submissive and how to talk to your Dominant. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. John Brownstone isn’t a figment of my imagination, and you will hear his voice – just not today. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, then thanks for coming. Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes (as soon as we’re approved). You can also follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords. And John Browstone is real, too. Go visit him at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes. Now, let’s get into the show.

So I was writing an article for Submissive Guide with steps and hints to help submissives talk to their Dominants when they want to renegotiate some aspect of their relationship, and I was struck by how often we (submissives, I mean) think we can’t talk to our Dominant partner.

Too many submissives ask for advice on “how to talk to my Dominant” and none of it makes sense to me. If that person is your Dominant, I’m going to assume you had a conversation at some point, right? I’m hoping it was a healthy, lively, open debate between you at the time. Now that you’re their submissive, you still have the freedom to communicate with your Dominant when you need to.

Okay, there’s a caveat there. Every relationship is different, and you might have a protocol about when, where, and how communication can take place. The one thing that should never be limited, though, is the freedom to express your thoughts during that conversation.

So if you’re scared to talk to your Dominant, my first question is Why?

Do they make it difficult to speak to?

Does your Dominant refuse to hear you? Do they belittle you or say you’re not allowed to ask for changes? Basically, do they think you should shut up, sit down, and let them run the show?

Well then, we might have a problem. It’s one thing to set a protocol, say for a Master/slave relationship where you mutually agree that your Master will tell you when to speak, what to wear, when to go to the bathroom, and when to sleep, among other things. It’s completely different to be told that you’re not allowed to express your own desires and that you don’t get to ask for changes to your dynamic just because you’re submissive.

I’m calling bullshit on that one. That’s not a good situation to be in, and you may have much bigger problems than a fear of communicating with your Dominant.

So if those aren’t your reasons for being scared, what else could it be?

Are you afraid of rejection?

Are you afraid your Dominant won’t agree with what you want?

Hell, are you afraid they will? That’s a problem I have. Sometimes I get an idea in my head, like asking to be micromanaged during weight loss. I was a little scared to have the conversation because I didn’t know if I could handle that much oversight in an aspect of my life. Ultimately, by the way, Daddy didn’t agree to go that far. Which just shows you shouldn’t let the fear of their response stop you. You never know what they’ll say or do.

I say try to ignore your fear of rejection. Hello! You’re in a kinky relationship with someone who considers themselves a Dominant. Yes, we all have our biases and limits, but rejection of a kinky idea shouldn’t be too big of a concern when you’re talking to someone who wants you to get on your knees for them or do other crazy kinky things. If you didn’t reject them and their kinky self, they shouldn’t reject you, either.

That being said, if your fear of rejection is based on their reaction to other discussions you’ve had, you may need to try an easier, gentler method for talking to them. If that doesn’t work, well, you might have to dig deep within yourself to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone who would reject you and your fantasies, thoughts, or desires. We don’t always have to accept what our partner wants, but in a loving, open, trusting relationship, we shouldn’t reject each other, either.

Okay, so what are these easier, gentler methods for talking to your Dominant?

It’s a little bit like going in to talk to your boss, actually.

If you wouldn’t slam your bosses door open, stand over their desk, shout your demands and then stomp out of the room before they even answer, you shouldn’t have a similar approach with your Dominant either. Loud voices, demands, and aggression don’t work well in a situation where you’re asking for something you want and the other person has the ability to deny you.

For the record, your Dominant shouldn’t approach you like this, either, but we’re talking about you right now.

Okay, so I have several steps that I use – especially when it’s a brand new topic that’s never come up before.

1. Approach your Dominant and let him (okay or her) know that you have something on your mind you want to discuss. If they give you the panicked look of, “Oh shit, what’s wrong?” assure them everything is fine, but that you want to have a serious discussion when it’s convenient for you both. Sometimes you get lucky and the right moment is right then. Most of the time, it’s not. I’ve heard on more than one occasion, “We’ll talk tonight, Babygirl.” Be prepared for that.
2. Watch their mood. A bad day at work, illness, or just a rough night at home, might mean they aren’t in the right frame of mind to hear a bunch of details. I used to gauge Daddy’s mood by how he handled requests for decision-making. “What do you want for dessert? Can I do this or that?” If his body tensed up just thinking about making a decision, it wasn’t the right time to ask for more of something in our relationship. Timing is everything.
3. Be respectful. You’re the submissive, they’re the Dominant. Act as such. You’re asking for something that you want – whether small or big. Be a good submissive in this conversation and behave. Follow your protocols and stay calm. This isn’t the time for your inner brat to show up.
4. Explain what you’ve been thinking, where you learned about it, and what you want. Go into as much detail as you can. Tell your Dominant what it means to you, and why you think it will be good for you, your Dominant, or both. This is especially true when you want to explore a new kink or fetish or add something to your dynamic. Let’s say you want to take your D/s relationship from a sometimes, as it works kind of thing to a 24/7 lifestyle. That’s a big step. You better be able to show you’ve given it some thought. That’s not saying you won’t discover more as you go on, but half-baked ideas probably won’t get far.
5. Share where you found the idea and where you learned more. Have you read a blog, found a website, or, ya know, listened to a good, informative podcast? Hint, hint. This might be a new concept to your Dominant too, and it’s a good idea to give them a place to start so they can learn more. Few Dominants I know will make a decision without learning more first which really is a good thing.
6. Be patient. You’re probably not going to get a firm answer in the first conversation. You’ve been thinking about this for days, weeks, okay, sometimes hours. Your Dominant may need time to digest the information and decide what they want and need, and what they’re willing to do. Give them the time they need. Don’t get pushy and demand answers. Although, after a few days, it’s perfectly okay to ask if they’ve had time to make a decision.
7. Understand that you’ve given your Dominant control, and you’ve brought something to them, for their decision. This means, you accept that they get to say yes or no. Can you handle it if the answer is no? Are you willing to accept a compromise? When I asked Daddy to micromanage my diet and exercise routines, he said no. Or rather, he never gave a firm answer which was the same as a no. Over time, we managed to work out a system that wasn’t what I asked for but worked just as well. I come up with a plan, discuss it with him, get his input and approval, and then do what I know I’m supposed to do, understanding that he may step in from time to time if he doesn’t think I’m following the plan. Or, he’ll just knock the donut out of my hand. It’s a light-handed method but for right now it works. If it stops working, I’ll go back to him and we’ll talk about it again.

That’s how we handle big or new issues that I bring to him. It’s a process. Sometimes it happens in the space of an hour or two, and sometimes, it takes days or weeks. Which, apparently, is the Universe’s way of teaching me patience which I hate.

Okay, I do want to make one exception to my own so-called rules, which aren’t really rules, they’re just a guide that will hopefully help you. Anyway, I said a few minutes ago not to bring any half-baked ideas to a discussion. And for a formal discussion to renegotiate your dynamic, I think it’s true. But, and this is a big but (heh, I said “big butt”)…anyway…it’s perfectly okay to share a vague idea with your Dominant and see where it goes. I do this all the time to Daddy. We talk every day. It’s not formal, it’s not a negotiation, it’s just chit-chat. Sometimes I get a vague thought or idea about something kinky or about D/s, and I start out by saying, “Ya know, I’ve been thinking…”

He tends to laugh a little because he knows my wheels have been spinning and I’m sharing whatever random thought has come to mind. Which is how this podcast was born, in case you wondered. What’s cool about it is that we get the chance to discuss something in a small way together, to decide together if we want to know more or if it doesn’t make sense for us. It’s part of how we communicate, and we’re always communicating.

So my parting words today are this – submissives shouldn’t be afraid to speak up. Talk to your Dominants about what you want and need. If you need help, use my steps or modify them to work for you. And if you’re in a situation where you don’t feel heard or aren’t allowed to discuss your needs, you’ve got some soul-searching to do about who you’re with and where you need to be.

Okay, y’all, thanks for listening and remember, you can subscribe by RSS feed or (eventually) on iTunes. And the shownotes can be found at kaylalords.com if you’re not looking at them right now. Keep it kinky and we’ll be back next week!