When Taking Care of Your Dominant Makes You Feel Less Submissive LB008

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Kayla Lords discusses that moment when taking care of your Dominant makes you feel less submissive because you’re in charge of so much. It’s all about perception, and it may require thinking about what you’re doing in a different way.

From this episode:

• Kayla doesn’t always feel submissive even when she’s taking care of John Brownstone
• John Brownstone’s dental surgery and recovery required a different type of submission.
• Almost none of the tasks mentioned in the previous episode could be done: Tasks in a D/s Relationship
  • Although there was one morning when he felt up for some kinky fuckery: My Turn
• Kayla began to spiral into a submissive freak-out – unhelpful since John Brownstone was in no shape to give her a much needed re-set.
• Taking care of your Dominant might make you feel like you’re in charge. It’s simply a different way to serve.
• If what you’re doing is helpful – and your Dominant allows it – you’re being more submissive than you realize.
• Dominants may seem super-human but they need someone to tell them what to do – like taking their medication or going to the doctor – from time to time.
• If your actions help your Dominant, you’re just as submissive as when you’re naked, tied up, and at their mercy.

Feel free to send any questions or topic suggestions to Kayla Lords or John Brownstone. We’ll reply to you directly and protect your identity if we use your question or suggestion in an upcoming episode.

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Full Transcript

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 8. Today, let’s talk about feeling less submissive when you’re taking care of your Dominant in different ways. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, welcome! We don’t bite, unless you’re into that sort of thing. If you’re back for another week, welcome back! So glad we didn’t scare you away. Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords. And stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes. Now, let’s get into the show.

I have a confession to make. No, it’s nothing big like, I stole a pen from the bank or I took a penny but didn’t leave a penny. This is a bit different. Sometimes, when I’m charging through life, taking care of shit at home, I don’t feel very submissive.

Let me elaborate. In my professional life, I’m very much in control and I like it that way. But at home, with John Brownstone, there are times when I feel like I have too much control in a situation – and I don’t love it because I feel less submissive.

But it’s really a matter of perception.

Here’s an example, and I have no doubt it’s common to any long-term D/s relationship.

Daddy had dental surgery a week ago. The first day or so, he needed help with everything. Taking a shower, getting something to eat, remembering to take his medication. It wasn’t a hard job because he mostly slept. But it left me almost as exhausted as he was.

A couple days later, he was back up and around again – sort of. He wasn’t comfortable driving yet since the pain could sometimes come out of nowhere. He still couldn’t eat any real food – soups, pudding, applesauce, and lots of smoothies. If I was him, I’d have been over it after the first three or four days.

He – and his care – were as much my responsibility as my kids are. I was up and running from the moment my feet hit the floor in the morning until my head hit the pillow at night. There was no kneeling for several days. There was certainly no kinky fuckery – except for one morning when he woke up feeling fan-freaking-tasic. I wrote about it and I’ll share the link in the show notes because rawr is was hot stuff.

There were very few of the tasks that I talked about in last week’s episode. And those tasks, like I said before, serve many purposes – one is to help me feel and be submissive even when the rest of the world demands that I’m in-charge and in-control.

Just as I was starting to get the skin-tingling, mind-swirling feelings I get when I begin to spiral out of control and into submissive freak-out mode – which happens any time I start to feel less than submissive for too long – a lightbulb went off in my head.

It’s one of those things that would have seemed obvious to me if it had been happening to someone else, and for many of you, you knew this before I said it.

I’m probably being my most submissive self right now while he recovers. Submission isn’t just about following the direct commands of a Dominant wearing leather and wielding a flogger (or cane or whatever). Submission is about serving a Dominant, taking care of them, making sure they have what they need to be healthy, happy, and content. (For the record, a Dominant has a similar responsibility to their submissive, it simply manifests itself in different ways).

The buzzing in my brain died down enough for me to get some clarity. This is submission. Every time I drive him to work. Every time I give him the rundown of the soft foods we still have – and let him decide what he wants. Every time I chide him about not taking his medication or calling the doctor. I’m taking care of his needs in a completely different way than I usually do.

Yes, it feels like I’m the one in charge – as I finagle school and worl drop off and pick up, coordinate two different meals, keep up with his schedule, the boys’ schedule, and my own. Yeah, it feels like I’m running shit, and I am. But I’m also doing much of it in service to him, as part of our agreement for how our relationship will operate and work, and, frankly, because I love him and want him to be healthy and happy.

And that’s the epiphany I wanted to share with you this week.

If you’re a submissive, as long as what you’re doing helps your Dominant or takes care of them in some way, you’re just as submissive as you’ve always been, even when you’re not getting the same kind of Dominance from your partner that you usually do. We have to be responsible, full-functioning adults in this dynamic, even if what we’d really like is to be ordered around and commanded by our Dominant. I’m guessing (and if you know better, please share your thoughts with me) that even in heavily micro-managed relationships like Master/slave, you still need to be capable of making some decisions on your own – especially if your Dominant gets sick or is out of commission for some reason.

Our Dominants may seem like superheroes (with mind-reading as one of their superpowers) but they’re human. They need us to help them. Sometimes helping feels like being in charge and taking control – and sometimes they need someone to say, “It’s time to take your medication” or “I’m calling the doctor and making an appointment for you.” That’s submission just as much as crawling naked on the floor is.

A word of warning for anyone who thinks a submissive is supposed to completely lose themselves to their Dominant – that’s the fantasy more than the reality. Yes, it can and does happen. If it’s part of a healthy relationship, it’s not a bad thing. But in reality, submissives need to be able to take charge, make some decisions, and understand that sometimes taking care of someone and serving a Dominant means you might have to tell them what they need to do, and you might have to become The Decider, at least temporarily.

If you remember that what you’re doing is part of your service to your Dominant, then hopefully you won’t get that twitchy, antsy feeling that many submissives get (myself included) that can only be fixed by a strong act of Dominance – for me, it’s a big ole spanking. Because, that feeling and need isn’t productive when your Dominant is out of commission and can’t give you the re-set you need to feel submissive again. We have to remember what it is we’re doing and who we’re doing it for. If your actions help your Dominant – and they don’t completely reject the idea of you taking care of them like that – you’re just as submissive as when you’re hog-tied on the bed with a vibrator attached to you. It looks different, but it serves the same purpose – you’re just taking care of their needs in a different way.

Remember, if you have any questions about this episode or anything else or topic suggestions for future episodes you can always contact myself or John Brownstone directly. We’ll answer you personally and if we use your question or topic in an episode, we will definitely protect your identity.

Okay, y’all, that’s all from me this week because we’re still in recovery mode, and there’s still plenty of stuff to be done around here. Keep it kinky, and we’ll see you next week!