Tasks in a D/s Relationship – LB007

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Kayla Lords hosts this week’s episode, and it’s her longest solo show to date. She spends nearly 20 minutes discussing her tasks as a submissive in a D/s relationship.

While there are no “correct” tasks that Dominants should assign to any submissive, it’s good to understand that whatever task a submissive has may serve multiple purposes – even if that purpose is simply to please a Dominant partner.

From the show:

• Follow Kayla on Twitter (@KaylaLords) and stalk John Brownstone at this site (Southern Sirs Place)
• This week’s episode inspired by a task John Brownstone set for himself, thanks to friend and listener, Lizzy.
• All tasks Dominants give to their submissives are unique but most can be classified in multiple ways.
  • Kayla’s tasks are categorized into the tasks that serve him, the tasks that serve her, the tasks that push boundaries, and the sexy, kinky tasks.
• Some tasks are temporary while others are on-going.
• Many tasks can be done in public or around children because they aren’t sexual.
• Most of the tasks that serve his needs are domestic: making lunch, preparing coffee, etc.
• The tasks that serve her needs are good for her health and well-being: exercise, healthy eating, not working too much.
• The tasks that push boundaries have actually made her freak out: Submission Can Be Hard or He Pushed My Boundaries and I Freaked Out
• The sexy tasks have inspired quite a few posts over time:
  • When She Kneels For Me (John Brownstone added a recording at the end, too!)
  • My Mind Swirls While My Body Remembers (a post about punching – not as scary as it sounds)
• What happens when tasks aren’t completed correctly – a freakout by Kayla and (sometimes) a punishment to fit the “crime”
• The key to changing, adding, removing, or requesting new tasks is always communication.
• Dominants need to let submissives know their plans and listen to what their submissive thinks
• Submissives have a responsibility to let their Dominants know if there’s a problem that is interfering with tasks. Don’t be a superhero and power through if it’s bad for your health but also don’t feel like a failure if something doesn’t get done the way you think it should.
• The episode ends with John Brownstone completing his own special task – a song for the listeners, requested by Lizzy.

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For those who can’t listen to the podcast for any particular reason, scroll down to read the full transcript. 

Full Transcript

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 7. Today, let’s talk about the tasks that submissives do for their Dominants – and they are as varied as you can imagine. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, welcome! We don’t bite, unless you’re into that sort of thing. If you’re back for another week, welcome back! So glad we didn’t scare you away. Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords. And stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes. Now, let’s get into the show.

Some ideas for a show pop into my head, as if by magic, others are a part of longer, on-going conversation that starts on someone’s blog or website – sometimes mine, sometimes not. And then sometimes, the Universe speaks and there’s the topic. Last week’s episode was hosted by both myself and John Brownstone. It was fun, and for those who heard it, that was a pretty good indication of what I sound like in “babygirl mode.” Daddy’s voice, however, never seems to change much – well, except for when he gets The Dom voice going, but that’s something different. Every time he records his voice – and he’s done it for his own website and yes, I’ll link to it in the show notes for you – people have the same response. It’s soothing. They’re not wrong, but I’m so used to it now that while I’m soothed by his voice, I attribute it to him being who he is, not the sound of his voice.

What in the heck does that have to do with today’s topic? A loyal listener, kinky friend, and all around cool chick, Lizzy, came up with an idea for the illustrious Mr. John Brownstone. She made a request for him to record more of his voice. The first suggestion was a children’s story. The second request was for a specific song. Now, if Lizzy is listening, she knows exactly what I’m referring to. Everyone else will have to wait until the end of the show today, but I promise you it will be worth the wait. Either way, Daddy tasked himself with fulfilling her request, and his task made me think of my own tasks. See? There’s the connection!

There’s no way I can record an episode about tasks that tells Dominants how they should assign tasks or what tasks they should assign. Nor can I tell submissives what tasks to do or how to feel about them. We’re all way too unique for that.

What I can do, though, is share with you the types of tasks I have – both ongoing and temporary tasks. Most of my tasks have zero to do with sex or kink. But every task has a purpose, and for any new Dominants out there, that’s probably the most important thing to consider. The what of a task is unique to you and your submissive, based on what they can handle, their workload, their life, their preferences, their physical abilities (when I say that, I’m thinking about not asking someone to kneel on the ground if they have problems with their knees or hips), and every single detail about their life. But what you need to think about is why are you assigning the task? What’s it’s purpose? That’s the thing to consider as we go through today’s show.

I think there are probably several ways to classify the different types of tasks that a Dominant can set for their submissive, and I think some tasks fall into multiple categories. Today, I’m going to touch on four specific types of tasks that I have – as I see them. If John Brownstone has other thoughts on tasks he assigns to me, I’ll let him expand on that when and if he chooses in another episode.

Okay, so the four types of tasks that I’m talking about today are:

1. Tasks that serve his needs.
2. Tasks that serve my needs.
3. Tasks that challenge me and push my boundaries.
4. Tasks that are sexy and fun.

The idea behind any task is to help or make me feel submissive and to allow him to assert his Dominance. But let’s be real here. The more often you do something, the quicker it becomes habit. When it’s a habit, you don’t think about it until it’s not there. For me, I do the things I do without thinking too much about them, unless I need to think about them – for this episode, in a discussion about D/s, or whatever. But I definitely think about them when something prevents me from doing them. That’s when I notice that I don’t feel as submissive. Sometimes it’s not that complex. I just feel off when I don’t do them. I say all that as a word of warning. Tasks can and should change over time because once they become habit, you aren’t consciously aware of being in a submissive headspace when you do them. It’s just a part of your routine. Sometimes that’s fine, but sometimes that can become a problem if, as a submissive you begin to feel you need or want more. And it’s just something to be aware of, not something to worry about too much.

Okay, so let’s start with the tasks I do that serve his needs.

I set up the coffee pot every night before bed so all he has to do is push a button to get his first cup of coffee – without which he’s a grumpy, growly Daddy, and no one likes that. On work days, I make sure his lunch is packed and his travel cup has coffee in it before he goes to work. I also pack snacks for him – he didn’t ask, but it made me happy, and since he liked it, he wants me to continue. He hates clutter and mess in the bedroom, so I keep it neat and most days of the week, I make the bed. Even when I don’t make the bed, I straighten the sheets. Every night, before bed, I set up the nightstand on his side of the bed with things he wants or needs, set the alarm for him (we joke that he doesn’t know how it works since it was mine when we lived apart and now I set it and turn it off every day so without me, he would be lost), and I turn down the bed, making sure to set up his pillow so he can sit propped up in bed until he’s ready to go to sleep. In the evenings I also make his evening cup of coffee (the man loves his coffee, y’all) and I kneel in order to present it to him. We try to do this after the boys are in bed, but if the evening cup of coffee has to happen while they’re awake or aren’t at least in their bedroom behind closed doors, I don’t kneel. I also get his dessert each night – he chooses, but I serve. When we’re out at a restaurant, if he orders a cup of coffee, my job is to add the cream and sugar for him. It sounds silly, but I get a little thrill out of it, too. We’ve gotten strange looks, but I don’t care (anymore – in the beginning I was afraid of the possible attention but I’m over it now). It’s what I do for him, strange as it may appear to the server, and it’s a subtle way to reinforce our dynamic in public without forcing our kink on anyone. When he asks, I clean his glasses for him, and even undress him when he gets home from work.

Did you notice that none of those tasks are overtly sexual, and other than the kneeling and undressing him, all of them can be done in front of anyone who’s watching. In fact, they often are since we’ve got kids. So for anyone who asks how D/s works with children or outside of sex, there’s one picture of it.

Then there are the tasks that serve my needs. Often these aren’t constant, on-going tasks, but some are. Daddy will change a task, assign a new one, or eliminate an old one as life and circumstances change. Which is how a D/s relationship continues to thrive – by constantly updating, changing, and morphing based on what’s happening in the moment. Anyway, I digress.

My tasks that serve me…

I have to exercise. Right now, it’s based on a recommendation from my doctor – strength training with some cardio, four days a week, for 30 minutes at a time. I have a chart where I check off the day I workout so Daddy can see at a glance how I’m going. I have to drink water and eat relatively healthy. My food choices are my own (for right now) but if I get out of control, he can and will change that. I do ask permission for special treats if I know it’s something fairly decadent or (and here’s a little secret, sometimes I ask because I want the answer to be no, but I don’t have the willpower to stop myself). Right now, at the time of recording, at least, we’re preparing for some changes we’re going to make in our dynamic – which I’m sure will be discussed in upcoming episodes – and as part of that I’m tasked with re-arranging the clothes in my closet so he can see at a glance what I have to wear that fits and is weather-appropriate. Some things aren’t tasks but expectations for how I’ll conduct myself or behave. I’m not allowed to work every single day without a break. If I do, he has to agree that the reasons make sense. Let me give you an example. Typically, I work Monday through Friday and take the weekends off because those are his days off. This week (the week I’m recording), he had dental surgery on Wednesday. I knew I needed to be able to take that day off and keep myself available for him for the days after, depending on how his recovery goes. Knowing that, I arranged (with him) to get some work done on Saturday and Sunday. I’ll do it again in a couple of weeks because I want to take two days off for my birthday at the end of October. But I can’t just decide to do that without telling him. He’s not giving me permission to work as much as he’s thinking through my thought processes to make sure there aren’t any other options. Working late on occasion is okay – to meet a deadline or finish a big project – but I’m not allowed to work late every night without a very good reason either. I work from home as a freelancer and he simply won’t let me work myself to death the way I used to do before we lived together.

Other tasks that are for me and overlap into other categories are any that involve kneeling. When I kneel to give him his coffee and when I kneel before bed. Those are tasks that serve dual purposes. They make him happy (serving his needs), one leads to kinky fuckery (falling squarely into sexy tasks category), and they both help me feel submissive. This is especially important when it’s been a crazy day of decision making, dealing with kids who don’t listen, and being the Big Career Girl that I sometimes I am. I need to feel small and beneath him and kneeling, for whatever the reason, allows me to do that.

Now, let’s talk about the tasks that challenge me and push my boundaries.

These are most definitely the things that get assigned as needed and aren’t truly an on going thing. In the past, they’ve included things like going to a local coffee time – similar to a munch but held weekly, in the evening, on a week night for kinksters to get together and mingle. The first time I went, I made myself sick with nerves [LINK TO IT IN SHOW NOTES]. I went because he’s Daddy and he said to and that’s how our relationship works, but damn, I didn’t want to. I attended for several weeks until he realized it wasn’t helping me in anyway. I wasn’t making new friends. The vibe of the group was all wrong for my personality. Nice enough people but not my people, if that makes sense. Since then, he’s had me go to other group outings with our preferred group of kinksters. It doesn’t push my boundaries in the same way but it does force me out of the house when I’m perfectly happy being a hermit. He tasks me with going and doing things, especially with other kinksters, for a couple of reasons. One, he knows I’ll never leave the house otherwise, and two, he knows I’m desperate to make a close friend in the local kinky community that gets me on multiple levels. I’ve met people I genuinely like and enjoy being around, but there’s a different kind of chemistry when you meet a soul sister and make that connection. I wish I could get it without going anywhere, and he knows that’s not how things work. I know it, too, I just pretend otherwise.

Okay for the part some of you have probably been most curious about – tasks that are sexy and fun or at least lead to sexy, kinky fuckery.

Well, there’s the kneeling, which Daddy has written about before – when I give him his coffee, it’s a softer moment. But not always. I’ve had my face smacked (a particular favorite of mine) or been kissed pretty roughly in that moment. But generally, it’s a quiet time for us to connect as Daddy and babygirl. When I kneel before bed – these days I actually kneel on the bed because it’s better on my knees and his back – there’s going to be some swats to the ass, a few punches along my back and ass – not as crazy as it sounds. I wrote a post about it that’ll I share in the show notes. He might finger me or bring me to orgasm or eat me out or fuck me. It all depends on his mood, but it begins with kneeling for him. I sleep naked when we’re at home. Not always easy to do when we travel, but if I can, I do. I don’t wear panties unless he picks them out – which lately means I don’t wear panties very often, and I actually prefer it that way. I’m sexually available to him at all times. (A little side note here – because that’s true, I have to tell him when I don’t feel good or have a headache, although we have found that a good orgasm can ease a headache – better than any ibuprofen, just sayin’…either way, I have to communicate when something is going on with me so he can decide how to handle his sexual urges…and gawd, I love when he handles his sexual urges.)

Okay, so the big question some of you might be thinking. What happens when a task doesn’t get completed?

Well, I usually have a mini-meltdown because I can’t believe I forgot something. Daddy doesn’t have an automatic punishment that kicks in. Instead, he’ll take the time to find out what happened first. Sometimes, there really aren’t enough hours in the day, and I just forget. I, of course, apologize, and rarely, I might get a not-so-fun spanking – the kind that hurts in a bad way, y’all. Other times, especially when there’s no good reason to not get something done, it’s corner time. I hate corner time. I might have to kneel. I might have to stand on my tip toes. I’ve even kneeled on rice and yes, it’s as painful as it sounds.

For me, the idea of not doing what I’m supposed to is so bad that I freak out if I miss a task. And I haven’t had corner time in well over a year. So my punishments are not only few and far between, they aren’t very severe (at least I don’t think they would be if I screwed something up but I don’t want to find out either). But I would imagine if I habitually forgot or ya know quote forgot my tasks, the punishment would become more severe.

I can’t tell you how to assign a task or request a task in general, but I can share with you how they come about in our relationship. Rarely, I ask for more guidance, structure, or help. Most often, Daddy brings it up as a new topic for discussion. Now, we’re the type that is always talking so we don’t set aside a special time to discuss our dynamic – we just wait until we’re alone and can focus. He’ll say something like, “I’ve been thinking…” which tells me he wants to propose changes. I listen to what he says, share my opinion, tell him if anything freaks me out or hits a limit of mine, and then leave it to him. Once he decides what he wants me to do, I’ll let him know if something doesn’t work within my day for some reason. He could decide I’m supposed to call him every day at 10am. I might have conference calls that conflict. It’s my responsibility to let him know so he can adjust. See how that works? He decides, but I have to give him some input. A task is no good if I’m never going to be able to complete it because the outside world is in the way. Maybe he tells me I have to do a specific exercise (like jumping jacks) but my knees hurt when I do them. I have to tell him either before it happens or as soon as I feel pain. His responsibility to my well-being is such that he will change the task to fit my capabilities. So anyone who thinks that a Dominant assigns tasks and a submissive does them, no questions asked, needs to think again.

To the Dominants, talk to your submissive while you’re thinking about making changes. Let them know what’s on your mind. Give them the opportunity to share how they feel about it. Once you’ve decided what you want them to do, your submissive should still have the ability to tell you how they think it will affect them. You shouldn’t be trying to set them up for failure. This is about making them a better, happier, healthier submissive and pleasing you at the same time. If they give you a compelling reason for why they can’t do something, you may need to adjust the task.

Submissives, you have a responsibility to speak up when new tasks are discussed. While you’re doing tasks, if there’s a consistent problem, tell your Dominant. You may just need to adjust the task. Don’t think you’re failure because life got in the way one day. And don’t try to be a superhero and push through any physical pain a task is causing you. Talk to your Dominant.

Tasks can be kinky, they can be mundane, they can simply be a test of discipline or a way to train a submissive. And they don’t have to be complicated. But, they do need to be communicated and discussed. As a submissive, there is no better feeling than knowing I’ve pleased my Dominant. “Good girl” is a phrase I hope to hear every day. Doing the tasks I’ve been given and discussing any problems are what allow me to hear those words. Don’t be afraid of tasks, even if they sound difficult or they push your boundaries. And Dominants, give your submissives time to learn and adapt. No one is perfect from the first moment.

Okay, now, speaking of tasks. A certain John Brownstone has a little task he’s ready to complete for you now. And I’m pretty sure some of you are going to freaking love this:

DADDY SINGS SOFT KITTY

OMG, that was awesome!

Okay, y’all, enough about tasks and soft kitties – for now. Hopefully I’ve eased some minds and given you a few ideas. And if nothing else, you were just entertained by the most soothing voice around. If you’ve got questions or topic suggestions for future episodes, feel free to contact me at kaylalords at gmail dot com or through my site. Until next time, keep it kinky y’all, and we’ll see you next week.